en_mei

I feel better now, thanks to you guys.

Sometimes I feel as if all my best friends except for Dawn have forgotten about me.

Thanks Dawn for being there.

It seems like not too long ago. My brother was in my room, we were playing pokemon the night before my PSLE.

I blinked.

We stood at the airport, waving goodbye to cousins whom we wouldn't see again in a long, long time.

And blinked again.

Then we were playing this silly game called runescape, and he thought my friends were funnily mad and I thought his friends were too. But that was ok.

I looked away for a second.

He was in the same school as me, and I saw my guy cousin on a daily basis too. But for all of that, we rarely met in school; with him in band and me in choir, we'd see each other less, even at home. But that was ok. He would come to my room to talk with me.

I looked back.

I bought candy for him from Japan. I never knew that he treasured the things I bought for him that much. He wouldn't eat it. He just kept it. And then I was in foundation, bringing back more stuff. I had to open it to get him to eat it, and even then he'd keep aside one packet.



I never should have blinked again.



Because now, I'm in university, miles and miles away from Singapore, on the day my baby brother is enlisting. He'll always be my baby brother to me, though now he looks after me too. And I can't be there for him. It's my fault. I should have studied harder. I could have stayed home then. And I pray he stays safe. I pray that the physical training won't make him collapse. I pray that he'll stay happy and not learn how to cuss. I pray that he'll hold fast to God and his values.

At the end of the day,

You can't tell an older sister not to worry.

Listening to Nickelback's If Today was Your Last Day, I still remember I had a secret fear in secondary 4, that I would never see myself enter JC. It sounds stupid, but I really believed it. I could always see myself enter the next stage in my life, could always somehow picture it. Yet I never could picture how life would be like in JC. So I assumed that I'd die before then. And I lived life normally.

Now I think, if today was my last day, things would be different. If I really believed that I was going to die, I wouldn't do what I did before. But living each day like it was my last is unrealistic. For one, I'd never study. But it suddenly came to mind what I WOULD do differently if I lived like each day was my last.

If today was really my last day, I would pray; listen more and talk less. I would spend more time talking to the one who I was going to meet, yet I have already met. I would spend time with family and friends, and tell my friends about Christ. Just one more time so that maybe, just maybe, I could see them again (because friends are friends forever if the Lord's the Lord of them). I would make things right with the people I knew, and tell my family and friends I love them (though I'm pretty sure they know). I would read my bible more, like reading a letter of someone I'd been longing to meet and I'm finally getting the chance to, then I'd give it away to one of my best friends, because they'd need it too. I would say what I was dying to say, because I wouldn't have much more to lose, and I'd live that last day honestly and unafraid.

If only I had the courage to live that way every day, the patience to try and to not give in. Because I probably won't know when my last day will be. And I'm going to start now.

Expect a bible soon (:



<3

I need to start hunting for materials. And I need to start studying. So many things to do, so little time.

I need to:
Start / finish Matsumoto's sword
Start / finish the pipe fox from xxxHolic
Pass Kai's and Keng Yi's presents to them
Consider more driving lessons
Carry on studying anatomy flashcards (3 out of 249 done T_T)
Find the rest of my school books
Start packing
Arrange a day for CWC outing
Arrange a day for Spectra outing
Remember to go for 4B3 class outing
Arrange a day to gather the people who will be involved in the webcomic
Research electromagnets
Research ignitions / melting points / flame colours
Go for a cosplay equipment shopping spree
GAHHHHH I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE!

Oh well. At least I'm doing stuff I like now <3

OKAY OKAY i GIVE UP. I'm updating already. Haha. I don't have much to write since I've emailed mostly all of you already though. I like to cook my own meals, but since i don't have proper facilities till the end of May, I'm not cooking much. More like my cousin Penny is stuffing me with food. It's really good! Chicken pie, portabello mushrooms with melted cheese and date loaf. But she's making me eat veg too. Ugh. Haha. She's a good cousin. Ok. well, i've got to go for now. write more another time.

I just HAD to go and look at facebook after a hiatus of about a year. And what do I find? Photos. Tons of them. But just one album which Esther posted about the good ol' days at MG made my heart ache. I almost forgot how much I loved it there. And I couoldn't help but cry a little when I saw the class photos, the fun, the closeness, and yet remembered how far apart we are now. And the heartache continues, for weakened friendships. For lost times. For memories so nearly lost as well. For days we can never return to. Protection. Love. Fun. Innocence. Carefreeness. But Time refused to wait. And we can only sigh and shake our heads, saying "I wish I was back there". Cliche, but no passerby could ever fully comprehend how much we mean what we said.

The memories linger on like glass shards
Painful, yet beautiful
A reminder that we can never laugh like this again
And yet an indescribably beautiful reminder of innocence
Of trust, of little gestures that make friendships meaningful
So I'll pull out those shards slowly, one by one
Even though it may hurt at first
And piece it together to form a mosaic of that blue sky
Not as good as the real thing
But as each passing day's light shines through
It will foreer be captured there, unchanging
Just like how we want to remember those childhood days.
                                                           --an excerpt from Those Childhood Days, written in JC Two, 2008

It's been ages since I've updated, I know.

The tour to Vienna, Bratislava and Salzburg was amazing! The scenery was gorgeous and all the buildings and their architecture were so grand. It's really too much for me to summarize but I shall make a brave attempt.

We arrived there, worn out with some of the guys singing random stuff on and off the plane. Tetris soon became a favourite as the flights were really long. When we finally reached Vienna's airport after a transit in Dubai, we boarded a coach and set out for some sightseeing. We had just one day in Vienna before we boarded the bus again, setting out for Bratislava this time, the location where the competition would be held. Before we arrived, we had a choral exchange with one of the university choirs. They were very friendly and, from them, we learnt the importance of enjoying ourselves while making the music as it make such a huge difference to the atmosphere and sound. After that, we had our competition on the fifth day.

We, together with the alumni, participated in 3 catagories. Namely, the youth, mixed adult and folk catagories. With the grace of God, the blood, sweat and tears of the teachers, the guidance, patience and love from the alumni and the friendships of the whole choir, past and present, we clinched gold medals in all 3 catagories, emerging as the top choir in every catagory we competed in. In the folk songs catagory, we attained a rare perfect score.

It was a long, trying and tiring journey, musically. We were asked to grow faster than we had before. As JC2s, we were to lead the JC1s. At times it was, admittedly, demoralising as we watched the JC1s struggle as we had just one year ago. However, that memory of us pushing ourselves and feeling what they had spurred us on to give our juniors our support, just as our seniors had so readily and so freely given to us. Then the encouragement began to come. It was heartening to watch our juniors grow so fast, and try so hard. They pushed themselves, and they grew, resulting in a much better sound during the tour and competition. Then, a few days before the competition, two alumni who had not learnt the music and thus could not sing with us during the competition, flew in from overseas, just to be with the CCA family that they loved. To top it off, on the day of the competition, alumni from Singapore and elsewhere "spammed" the teachers with messages of encouragement and good wishes. Surrounded by God, family and friends joined by the love of music and musicmaking, we began to find joy in the performance and not in accolades. This joy is ultimately what I took away with me from this trip. I saw it transform each piece. Each song that had been drilled and practiced now began to become ours, and we finally knew what the real meaning of what Mrs. Wilson meant when she said to bless others with the music and sing with joy and give of ourselves.

After that, we went sightseeing again, going on both a Mozart and Sound of Music tour. The gardens we gorgeous, like nothing I've ever seen. And every bus trip that we took together was filled with music. 

Of course, it came to an end all too soon. The teachers and our parents congratulated us, and the teachers challenged us to look ahead. The JC2s were invited to tour with the alumni the following year; an honour indeed.

But what hit me was the congratulations that we received from our seniors, the JC3s. One of them who was unable to come on tour congratulated me in church the first Sunday that I was in Singapore after the tour. But it is our seniors are teh ones who taught us how to love the choir, and how to give and the meaning of giving. You all stayed back with us on some days just to teach us how to support our singing and to encourage us. And for that, we thank you.

So here concludes my reflections on the tour, hopefully the first of many for me. I can't believe how much people care and how many people care for this choir. I've learnt so much and received so much. God's hand was evident in the many unplanned chances that we had to sing in various locations and seeing each other everyday; it really felt like family. We've grown closer as a choir and forged new friendships. We just have to make them last.